Grace. Something I have yet to understand.
Love is simply, more than it is anything else, an act of grace. How could i forget.
I wonder what tune my heart would play if I indulged in grace? If I let it sink into all the corners of the space grace creates. If I let my heart expand and unfold into its infinite nature? What, my friend would that feel like? I imagine it would feel like everything...all at once.
Perfect. I'm not. I can't be. How harmful is that illusion? How hardening are those efforts? To get rid of all of the rough edges. To make yourself a clean cut. You become clean and cut from the rest of the messy, delicious, frightening, beautiful world.
Cut off and inhumane. In-human.
I, lord, more than anything want to be human.
"Business people."
Hmmm. Am I one of those?
The short skirt and long jacket kind of business person. Hmm. Sure, the outfit is cute, if the skirt sits at your waist right and the jacket doesn't hide your bosom.
But other than the wardrobe, does this position fit me.
No.
Not really. If I keep at this, I will have to change careers when I'm 26
I AM Potential!
The words are too far.
My comfort controls me.
I am not master of my habits.
They are the master of me.
If time is to bend in my mind
So that my mind can yield,
Habits must answer to my voice.
They must know the meaning of my choice.
I must know the meaning of my choice.
"What are you trying to protect. STDs? Crabs have legs, thay can crawl."
My Story
I posted this application on my calendar two months ago. Since then I have looked at it every day on my way out the door, yet have made but a gesture towards filling it out. Each day I would look at it. Each day I would say, “Tomorrow. I will fill it out tomorrow.” It’s crazy to think how tomorrow seems like a reasonable place to store your good intentions. It’s even crazier to think about the way the world turns as a result of people living their lives with intention today. I like to believe that we are creatures that were designed to flesh out a divine intention of love and joy. Unfortunately, I also believe that we have lost our sense of this purpose and as a result we have created a world that suppresses and distorts our ideas of what love is and our ability to live with joy in our hearts.
Although love is universal, I think that women were designed to understand and propel love in a very unique way. It seems to me that the damage that happens to a woman’s soul when the capacity of her love is abused and exploited is also very unique and that it needs to be healed in a very unique way.
When I went to the informational meeting about Scarlet Cord I had already taken an interest in the stories of sexually exploited women. I had picked up a book about human trafficking and was appalled at the severity of the problem and baffled to discover that this is an industry that is so integrated into our society that we hardly pay attention to it anymore. I mean when people think of human exploitation they think of some other country or some other time. The thought that people are being traded and purchased in the darkness of our city is a thought we should take seriously and act accordingly.
I am ready to act. I am ready to sit still and listen. I am ready to empty myself of judgment and assumptions towards women who have been judged and dismissed because of crimes committed against their emotional fabric as well as their bodies. I am ready and willing to learn how to build a safe place where these women can unload their yoke long enough to remember the lightness of their souls…at least for a moment.
It seems to me that I share this vision with Scarlet Cord and I would like to be a part of that vision being lived out.
Challenges
My schedule can be kind of hectic, so it is very important that I get a good understanding of the time commitment this would require. Commitment of any sort has always been a personal struggle, however, with God’s help I am making strides in terms of becoming a dependable person who can manage her time to integrate the people and activities that are important to her. It has taken me some time to learn the importance of being present, in mind, body, and spirit, but I think I am at a place where I can overcome my own tendency to walk away from people and things that demand a certain level of attention and commitment from me.
Strengths
People who know me have always said that I am a very compassionate person who is very easy to talk to. In all areas of my life and with everyone I meet I try to bring to the front of my consciousness my desire to deeply understand a person or situation. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I’m pretty successful at creating meaningful connections with people most of the time. I am also an adaptive person who can change gears and react to situations as they come, which makes me a good at learning new things. I have a feeling that I would be learning a lot of new things through this ministry. Cooking might be one of them. Knowing how to listen more effectively might be another thing. Also, although this is not a strength that comes from me at all but from my faith, I live with the conviction that doing the right thing, even though it might scare you or make you uncomfortable sometimes, is something that is necessary in order to make beautiful changes in people so that we can make beautiful changes in our communities.
I believe in one living God.
I believe that He in fact so did love the world, this complicated beautiful thing He created and the creatures He made for it, that He contained Himself in flesh...humbled Himself to a mortal body...and shed His own, clean, spotless, sinnless, devine blood so that in some mysterious way the debt we incured from the first disobediance was paid. So that we as humanity could begin the lengthy process towards redemption. So that we would have a light to follow on our way back to a relationship we once, in ignorace and distrust, rejected. A relationship we were designed for. A relationship we try to recreate here on Earth, but can never fully maintain.
I believe in God's love. I believe in its truth. I believe His love is true. I believe he knocks on the doors of hearts with the intention, the deisire to deliver it. I believe His love is fierce, and in the way that it is firece and whole, I believe His love is the most powerful thing we as human beings can ever know.
I believe God speaks the language of our hearts. I believe we have forgotten how to speak that tongue. I believe that we keep our hearts from Him because He can talk to it and we are afraid that our hearts will tell Him things we do not want Him to know. Or worse, that we might over hear the conversation and discover things about ourselves that we would rather not be held accountable for.
I believe that we sedate our hearts. Numb them so that they do not hear the world calling to them. Calling them to act and participate in the unfathomable task of re-directing its course back towards the begning. Back towards completion. Back towards redemption through pathways of forgiveness, love, hope, faith, humility, humility, humility, trust, and action.
I believe it was complete in Christ. I believe that the historic presence of that man is the cornerstone of the entire story of humanity. I believe that the relief Christ felt as he died on the cross and declared that it was finished was the relief of a being that cared fully for humanity and understood completely the tragedy of the way we had come to live out our existance and who also understood fully the hope that He had just delivered with his last breath.
I believe He rose again to give final notes to His deciples in the most compelling way possible to a feble, human mind, through the miracle of ressurection.
I believe the ministry Jesus left behind was simply a set of directions to save your soul. Simply the way to live that would save your life from yourself. I believe those instructions were meant to function on a foundation of faith. I believe the stories and events in the Bible are empty and subject to manipulation without God talking to your heart translating His own words for you. I believe that His words in the wrong mouths creates a tool for pride and greed to control those longing for healing for their broken souls. I believe some people would call this religion.
I believe God does not want our religions. I believe God wants our faith. I believe we need His.
Gonna make a change...for once in my life...gonna feel real good..gonna make a difference...gonna make it right...
I'm gonna change this. I can. I will. I am going to make a difference :)
mind from the real world. Here its still viable. Does it have the strength in structure and adaptability to survive if put to action? But what is it? I can't define it. At some point its about Freedom. At other times its about the significance of the core of someone's being, of a foundation. Still underneath it all its about duty and the freedom you find in service.
But what about these women? How do we help this? How can we know exactly how?
Nothing. Passion, real, true, unabridged passion is scary. I want no such interaction with what it causes me to do. What it causes me to say. How it causes me to feel. Feeling? Why? Feeling belongs in a cage. It belongs hidden and kept a secret from the world that could agitate it and cause storms within the fluid of your soul.
Passion? Can I just live with peace, please? Can I please stay hidden and protected?
You need a little smack down.
Stop. Stop dressing yourself in lies.
Stop pretending to be a way you are not.
You are not a rock. you are not made of steel.
You are fragile. You are like crystal. You need to be taken care of, and frankly if no one else is going to do that, you have to protect yourself.
But its so sad to be this way.
God, I took my life back. It's in my hands and its getting heavy again.
How is it that I can still think words are harmless when I KNOW them to be everything?!
"God can't fix everything." I said
God can't FIX everything. not right now, not how I want everthing to be fixed.
I need care. I need love. Like everyone, I need a hug and I need a safe place to rest.
I'm lonely today, but only because I'm keeping Him so far.
Protect me today, My Lord. Protect me from my weakness. Or let me fall victim to it if that will aid towards the completion of this picture.
I love you with all my heart. Please grant me the wisdom and the courage to know when it is escaping me and to return it Home with you.
I couldn’t, wouldn’t do it. I just couldn’t let his words unfold any longer. I couldn’t take them in and put them away behind silence and in spite of my pride, as had become my habit. I had to stop him. I had to rebuke his words this time. I tried to dress my offended and unforgiving tone with a disclaimer.
“Daddy, I know you mean well. I really do. I know you’re just trying to help. But please trust me, I…”
But then my words became more than he could take.
“I’m not trying to say that you are living your life wrong… I just wanted to say something…”
With that my thoracic cavity tightened in response to the feeling of shame, regret, hurt.
Quietly I lowered my head, which was turned towards him at the head of the table, and said, “Okay.”
He put down his fork, got up from his chair, and walked behind me to another room. I stared at the back of the bamboo chair that was now visible with his absence. Four fingers wrapped around my mug, one tapping on its side, my expression cold and stern, my vision becoming blurry with the tears accumulating in the spaces between my lashes.
My mother’s voice called to my attention with some joke about her daughters eating the tops of the muffins. But it wasn’t funny right then. I couldn’t make myself smile. I couldn’t lighten my heart. It was wounded for the moment, heavy in the broken pieces.
He came back to the table. My ma, again trying to make the tension go away, started asking me about my plans for the day. If there is one thing I was never very good at, it was pretending that nothing had happened and that nothing more needed to be said.
“Daddy, I’m sorry. What did you want to say to me?”
“Nada, Alejandra. Dejalo asi.”
So I did. I tried. I stood at the line where it was drawn and he was still miles away. The funny thing is that I was much more comfortable with the distance. Accustomed to it. I’m beginning to realize that I like it better this way… And I’m not sure what that means.
I love this life that I have become. I love this creature that I am.
I am so grateful that this creature has a home, has a name, has the breath of life within her lungs.
This life is a gift I was more than given. This was a gift I was entrusted with. To take care of. To be a source of joy and a reminder of the one that gave me into this world.
I am nothing of my own invetion. I can do nothing of my own intention. I am a servant. I am here to serve the master of this universe and I do so with joy and gratitude for the oportunity. My master is so good and powerful, that although he can enslave me to do his work he does not. Instead He has set me free to serve in His name. And in His name I shall deliver kind words to others. In His name I will project light into dark corners. In His name I will lift up those who have stumbled, and in turn they will also be a source of elation.
I cannot fathom His love for me, and it makes me so sad to not be worthy of it. To not be worthy of any attention. It makes me sad to recieve it just the same. That is the tragety. That He gives it and I will continue to fail Him. That I am corrupted, and yet He grants me the mercy to see His face and feel his presence near me. That is waht he gives to me. He allows me to live with him in my heart. Though I am nothing but grotesque in the nature of my sin of greed, apathy, and lust, he still humbles himself to touch my life.
I cannot be enough for him. Yet it is not for me that he does this. It is for his love of the world that I am shown mercy and favor. It is for the completion of his promise that my days, however numbered, are spent on this earth.
Reverence
| 1. | a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe; veneration. |
| 2. | the outward manifestation of this feeling: to pay reverence. |
| 3. | a gesture indicative of deep respect; an obeisance, bow, or curtsy. |
| 4. | the state of being revered. |
| 5. | (initial capital letter ) a title used in addressing or mentioning a member of the clergy (usually prec. by your or his). |
| venerate | |
verb | |
| regard with feelings of respect and reverence; consider hallowed or exalted or be in awe of; "Fear God as your father"; "We venerate genius" [syn: reverence] |
ven·er·ate
| to regard or treat with reverence; revere. |
] Our instinc is towards reverence. Our longing is towards something meaningful and fit for our devotion. Capable of inspiring the passion and intense feelings of everything love is. Including devotion, awe, and belief that it is true and just and good.
Lifestyle as a product. As a package of morals and values and principles on sale. To be aquired. To be used. To then be discarded in this society which will discard what is no longer useful. Like clothes, food, trees, people.
Example of Yoga as a package to be consumed as an adornment to one's life, as opposed to an actual practice:
bikram yoga
Was all that I could say there in the dark. My face wet, my hands over my eyes. A vision of a gray, pale heart in my mind. My heart. The joy is sometimes so much that I believe for a brief moment that it might win! That I might not have any room in my heart for longing and emptiness. But in the end I grow tired and then the will to be present, to be kind, to be loving is automatic, more than something new and rewarding. More often than not, projecting my love is strenuous and thankless. Or it feels like that when it seems that I have to brace myself for the rejection. The sure reproach of my cheerful and happy attitude. It honestly feels like everyday I extend, everyday I offer and everyday I hope for a deeper sensation of belonging, of being loved. Truly, reciprocatively, fully. And everyday I become more convinced that my hope belongs hidden. That it cannot afford any more attention than the minimal fraction it takes upon itself to preserve regardless of whether or not I wish to pay any attention to it at all. It has become such a mythical hope. A phantom. Again, I keep it out of necessety now, for I know it is not good not tohave it, though I do not know why.
It has attached itself on my heart with piercing anchors and has taken many blows of storms I wish would have unhinged it by now. Instead they have only made it leech onto it, tainting each moment that would have otherwise been completely joyfull and fullfilling with a gray shade of realism. The bitter, cold realism of being alone.
This place
This place
It's anxious again. Empty. And I feel it in my stomach. The growls echo and I feel the pangs again. The hunger. For knowledge, for peace, for purpose.
These walls
These walls
These walls
They're a strong structure. They are hard and stable. I can't have them come down. God knows I need them up right now. For right now I need them up. Run away, run away, run away.
There is this bill and that bill. This unresolved situation and that one. They are all there and I am without trust, on my own, worried about the collapse.
Collapse. It sounds so melodramamtic, doesn't it. Like I just couldn't survive, like it would just cave on top of me and it would be MY fault.
Where oh where is this balance?
Where do I let go of my responsibility to others and still feel like I amparticipating and loving them and helping them fill their needs?
Remember, God, I want to help! But I feel hopelessly stuck right now! I am wrapped up in debt. In this aweful, disgusting, troublesome debt, andI want out! Can I do it, God? My Love, My light, My life? Can I do it? Please help me to do this. Please help me to get out of this mess.
amen.
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tacohouseb52- Alejandra
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